


I miss missing you

by PeverellSlytherin



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: M/M, it's Hannibal, what do you expect?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:27:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24589069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeverellSlytherin/pseuds/PeverellSlytherin
Summary: Will cannot stop thinking
Relationships: Will Graham/Hannibal Lecter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. Why Me?

Hannibal

I should not even be thinking of you, nevermind be writing this letter, but I sort of miss missing you. You were my anchor when not even Jack could be.

I don't admire the murders you pulled off, but I can't help admiring the beauty which you brought forth to the table, figuratively speaking. Your work was art, but not for the heavens. In that way, I guess we are alike. I have nothing to offer the heavens. My soul is too dark, just like yours.

I don't admire you either. You were my friend. In a way, you remind me of Tobias. You knew just how to play me. You took me in your hands. You made and unmade me without a second thought or hesitation. You made me a father with Abigail. You unmade me a father while I paid for your crimes. You made me trust you with your intelligent words and good food. You made me distrust you when you let me realise what i was eating.

You were my friend until you weren't. You made me laugh and you turned around to have me shed rivers. You had me thinking I was as sane as anyone else until you stomped on my sanity.

After all this, after all i had to go through, you made me just a little bit darker than I started out as and that frightens me because, now, I'm seen as something close to you. And the worst past is, I cannot, for the life of me, seem to care.

I almost feel like I'm not alive anymore. No one understands me like you did. They act like they do. They think that they do. They don't.

Sometimes, I almost wish that time would turn back.

I'd like it to turn back to the first time we met and I'd like to not interrupt you psycho-analysing me. I wonder what you would have told me back then. It would probably differ greatly now.

All you did was push me down to hell, but, somehow, I can't help to think that I really did not bother trying to get back up either anyway. So, it isn't completely your fault, now is it?

I guess i just don't understand - or know you - either way. Even my dogs liked you.

Will


	2. Why Now?

Hannibal

Jack wants me back on the force. He wants me to look again. I don't understand why he would want that. Does he not remember what happened last time?

He is very insistant that everything that happened was your fault, that I would not break again like I did last time. I'm not sure if I trust him.

You'd probably start psycho-analysing me right about now. To clear your curiosity, they think it's because you broke my trust. They think you broke me.

These psychologists are getting worse and worse each year. What DO they teach you in that school? Tact. They lack tact. And common sense. I guess I still just miss missing you.

I keep thinking how you would have stood up against Jack for me. I used to be interesting to you. If you were here, I promise you, you wouldn't find me interesting anymore.

The truth is you didn't break me. You cracked me. You saw an empty shell and decided that it would look beautiful full of fissures. I don't know whether I am angry at you for that or not. I don't know much about me these days. I bet you'd know.

I think Jack is crazy to want me back, but, then again, I was always the wild card. The good one you just didn't play consecutively. The ace that didn't fit the river yet still had you win the high hand.

I think I'm going to accept.

Will


	3. Why Not?

Hannibal

I found myself outside your old house last night. I sleepwalked again. When I woke up, I thought you'd somehow be there.

I could picture you at the counter making breakfast. Getting ready for the day. Looking over the sketches you made the previous night.

Then I realised that you weren't because if you were, I would've woken up inside. You always knew when I was around. You would have found me.

You would have made sure I was alright and then tried to feed me some broth. I can only laugh hysterically now, knowing what was inside.

You would have a fire burning and a blanket close by just incase I decided to seizure out on you again. You would sit close enough to touch, but not close enough to hug. You would be there.

Even if it's too late now, you were my friend. No matter what I said back then. Heaven knows, you tried hard enough.

Will


	4. Why This?

Hannibal

I tried to go to the prison yesterday. I made it to the parking lot. I don't know why I went. I guess I feel a bit lost lately.

I've been doing a lot of guessing these days. I've solved six cases, but Jack still treats me as if I'm broken. He should have done that sooner. He should have started out that way. Now it just annoys me.

I should be nicer to him. His wife did just die afterall. I can't seem to be nicer though. I try. Heaven knows I try. Hell knows I try too. Without you, it's harder to pull back from a case. You knew just how to distract me.

I clearly remember you smelling me once. I wonder if you smelled the crazy on me. You clearly liked it, you stayed around afterall.

If you haven't noticed yet, I'm beginning to go mad again. The cases have been getting to me and I can see Garret Jacob Hobbs again.

He has been asking about you.

Will


	5. Why You?

Hannibal

I forced myself to go to the prison you're kept in. I made it to the gates this time. I was going to deliver the letters I wrote you. I wanted to do it in person. I wanted to see what you'd do with them.

Would you read it? Would you mock me when you did? Would you just be silent? Would you tear it up in front of me or not even read it at all?

When I got close enough to see your block, I started shaking. Not because of what you did, but because I realised I could not see you like that.

I have too much empathy. It is the only thing still pure in me. I saw you once when you were inside. It killed me. Your memory is too strong in my head to allow me to see you not be in control.

I decided to take the cowards way out and handed them to the warden. He is an old acquaintance. I know you will receive the letters, but I cannot see you staring at me with hate in your eyes. I never could. You were my only real friend even if you planned not to be.

Will


	6. Because

Will

I know you don't really want a response to those letters you wrote, but I am bored with the books they have here and all I have left is time.

Time. I used to use it so wisely. I chose how much time to spend with each person I came across down to the last second. I think I miss that most of all.

The guards used to be too scared to get close enough to talk, but now I wish they would just stay away.

They have so much time on their hands and they waste it by being the dull creatures they naturally are. I almost pity them. Sad, isn't it?

I am intrigued why you would think that I hate you. After all the things we've done to, with and for each other, hate is not a word I'd use.

I remember the first time I sniffed you. I couldn't help it, you were just so close and so near perfect. That cologne was awful.

Even under that offending smell though, I could smell you. You were crisp and natural... and just a hint of darkness already lurked on the edges.

You were right about me cracking you. I did. In my mind, all you needed were a few partings in that shell of yours for you to be truly perfect. I was right.

Unfortunately, little Jack didn't notice the cracks and ended up smashing my work to bits. Such a dull boy, Jack is.

Do not worry about seeing me here. I assure you, we'll talk again quite soon. White never was my colour.

And if you see Garrett Jacob Hobbs again, tell him to move on. It's my turn now.

Hannibal


End file.
